Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Crack Epidemic

Crack is bad anyway you look at it.  When discussing the crack epidemic most are referring to the drug.  Me? I'm concerned about the crack that peeks out of the back of nearly every woman's jeans today.

I remember the first time I saw a girl's thong peering out over the rim of her jeans when I was sitting at the bus stop on my way to class in college.  I was slightly disturbed, as this made it all too obvious that beneath that pair of jeans there were two bare butt cheeks.  At that time, I thought the only folks that had cracks hanging out of their pants were fixing sinks and toilets.  As that young thong-wearing girl grew up (and the rise in her jeans did not) a new and more horrific trend emerged.

Nowadays, it seems I see at least five butt cracks a day...and I don't happen to know any plumbers.  The new group of people flashing crack, I am em-bare-assed (heh heh heh) to say, is comprised of mothers.  

I don't pretend to be above all of this indecent exposure.  Four kids and over a decade later, I have added a good twenty pound cushion.  Furthermore, I have always carried most of my excess baggage in my trunk.  In an attempt to avoid becoming my mother, I have always tried to buy jeans that do not creep up over my belly button.  I am starting to question my logic.  I was never exposed to my mothers crack when out and about with my friends.  Had I been, I cannot begin to imagine the mortification that would have followed.  My nephew actually exclaims "I see a butt-ler" anytime he catches a glimpse of his mom's bum cleavage.  This would suggest that he sees it enough to have a term for it.  As much as I hate to admit it, my children have picked up on the term and have used it from time to time as well.

I have two pairs of comfy jeans.  Both require long shirts and a good belt (and even then there are times that I cannot hide my vertical smile).  I am so accustomed to wearing jeans with a low-rise, that the granny-up-to-your-belly-button jeans feel awful!  I'd like to think that with diet and exercise my comfy jeans would once again become G-rated.  All the same, I fear this is just good ol' wishful thinking. I'm going to try to ease my way into full coverage jeans. I bought a pair of those old lady jeans about a month ago.  I still wear them much less frequently than the others, as I am holding on to the glory years (without a muffin top or love handles).  Oddly enough, I have gotten quite a few compliments on my "Urkel" jeans.  I've been told I look thinner when wearing those jeans.  Could it be that it isn't so flattering when my spare tire is bared for the world to see? 

As I become a little more embarrassing to Violet, I am more aware of the things that I do that are incredibly uncool.  It is not my goal to be my kids' friend.  I will always provide structure, stability and boundaries...none of which are cool in the mind of a kid.  All the same, it isn't my intention to be that parent.  We all remember at least one completely inappropriate parent growing up.  I don't plan to be remembered by my childrens' acquaintances due to my very classy butt-baring attire. I still remember the mom that showed up to swim meets to cheer on her kids wearing pink hoop earrings with a matching bikini top, hair bows and high heels.  I would rather be a vague recollection to my children's friends than a vivid memory.

A good mom would sacrifice comfy jeans for the emotional well-being of her child.  A mediocre mom would do her best to hide the offending skin while in her comfy pants to the best of her abilities (knowing that it is quite likely going  to be unsuccessful from time to time).  Said mediocre mom would then pat herself on the back for not being the horrific mother who jiggles that sideways grin with no remorse.  She might even continue to wear the grandma jeans from time to time...

Jennifer Garner with daughter (may be subject to copyright)

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